


Mass Effect- Bachelor Style

by Gananimal



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fanart, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-12 19:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2122023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gananimal/pseuds/Gananimal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the love of Kaidan life breaks up with him he decides to try out for the Bachelor in hopes of forgetting about her. </p><p>However what he didn't expect was not only for him to be accept but to be an contestant.</p><p>Even worse the Bachelor is the man who single handily ruined his life! </p><p>What a guy gotta do to get a break?</p><p>*Chapter 3 is finally here!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is war, love is growing up”

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in an alternative timeline where Shepard manages to defeated the Reapers but not with his original crew. So he does not know any of the contestants and vice versa.
> 
> The Shepard being depicted here is Spacer with a war hero profile but not totally paragon.
> 
> Anyways been looking through many Mass Effect fiction and can't believe no one did a Bachelor fic is yet so here it is!

 

 

One, two, three

Breath in, breath out

Kaidan quietly repeated to himself as he prepare for his date with Rahna. He looked at his reflection and groaned as he saw sweat pouring out of him. He needed to relax just think of it as a regular date he convinced himself as he wash his face yet again. Truth be told he had a good reason to be nervous this was the one special date that would decide his future. Today on their first anniversary he was going to propose to the girl of his dreams. He smile brightly at that thought and started to picture the expression Ranha would make when he show her the ring. He continued to day dream until he heard the doorbell ring. He look through the intercom to see that it was Ranha, she early he thought as he lead his lover into his apartment.

“Your early our date doesn’t start in another 45 minutes and plus I said I was going to pick you up”.

“Yeah well we need to talk”.

“Sure, we can sit on the couch and talk”.

Rahna gave Kaidan a slight nod and followed him wordlessly to the couch Kaidan tried to get closer to her but she brushed him off coldly and wouldn’t even look him in the eyes.

 _Oh great what did I do this time?_ He thought as he sat down.

On closer exception Kaidan could tell that Ranha wasn’t angry but nervous. He tried to put a comforting hand on her shoulder but she back away and began fidgeting. 

“What’s the matter Ranny”?

“You know I hate it when you call me that Kaidan”

“I know but it such a cute name for you”

“Kaidan” She said with warning in her voice that made the biotic shut up immediately for he knew that Ranha only used that tone when she was serious.

There was a brief moment of pause before Ranha let out a deep sigh and look towards Kaidan.  

 

“I think we should see other people”

Silence fill the room after those words left her mouth, Ranha tried to study the expression on Kaidan face but as usual he was a mastered at keeping his emotions at bay.

Finally the biotic broke the silence “Why”?

“No offense but your kind of boring”

Kaidan look at Rahna in surprise sure he wasn’t the most talkative person and yeah most of his hobbies consisted of reading, staring at the stars and cooking but this didn’t seem to be a problem before.

“Where this all coming from and why now”!

Rahna gave out a long and irritated sigh “Look Kaidan I’ve been wanting to break up with you for months but I could never find the right opportunity to tell you until now”.

“Until now”?

“Yeah I kind of stumble on the ring you were going to give me and decided better to lay it on you now than wait until you propose”.

Kaidan felt his jaw drop he couldn’t believe what he was hearing!

“I can change, Rahna you and I have been through so much together why throw it all away now”!

“Look just accepted that it’s not working out Kaidan besides I want a man who can excite me a real man of action…like him”! She excitedly said as she pointed her finger to the man on the T.V.

Kaidan turn and gawk at the sight it was Commander Shepard; humanity poster boy not only did he take down the Reapers and prevented an invasion but now it seem that he was being made into a Specter a task that no human has ever done before.

“That’s what I want a man who can take charge…a man who can inspire”.

“But he one in a million Ranha there no way your ever meet a man like that”!

“Oh don’t be so sure” She said as she got off the couch and left the apartment.

Just like that it was over Kaidan couldn’t believe what had just happen. He slouched backwards on his couch and covered his face with his hand trying to prevent tears from leaking out.

………..

1 Months later

“Oy Vanilla open up”!

“Vega you got to calm down before you break the door”!

“Good, then maybe smooth here will grow some gonads and get the hell of his apartment”!

Thankfully Kaidan managed to open the door before Vega could bang against it one more time.

Both men were shock to see his condition the normally well shaved and put together Kaidan looked like he was a junkie with his unruly beards and the dark lines underneath his puffy and red eyes.

“Hey”

James snapped as he couldn’t stand seeing his friend in such a pathetic state. He grabbed Kaidan by the collar and dragged him into the apartment as he continued to yell at the man.

“Don’t hey me blue ever since your broke up with that _perra_ your haven’t been yourself all you do is stay in your apartment”.

Not wanting Kaidan to get hurt Steve quickly intervene and release Kaidan from Vega grasp and gently settle him down on the couch.

“What he means to say Kaidan is when the last time you went out just for fun or maybe for an actual date”?

“What’s the point the love of my life broke up with me might as well get used to being alone since I will never find anyone like Ranha”

“Bullshit”!

That outburst from Steve caused Vega and Kaidan to jerk in surprise it was unlike their usually calm and collected friend to swear like that.

“When Robert died I used to think like that but you know what I realized that I could continue moping around all day or I could go out there and live for both me and Robert”!

“Yeah that great and all but Rahna not dead”

“We’ll pretend she is, come on slick we’re going”!

Kaidan tried to pull away from Vega’s grip but he man was built like a freakin Krogan and eventually he just gave up and let his two best friends drag him to the club.

………..

Kaidan stood at the bar with a drink in his hand as he watched the happy go lucky patrons dance away their worries. He signed as he lean back against the bar and hoped the alcohol would take over and drown away his depression. However that wasn’t going to happen with Vegan and Steve by his side.

“You know what’s your problem is, you don’t have any confident”!

“What do you mean”?

Vega sighed as he slap his hand on Kaidan back and turned him around so that he was looking at the T.V in the bar.

Kaidan growl as he saw Commander Shepard face appeared on it.

“You see the ladies want a guy like that; full of confident and testosterone that why guys like Shepard gets all the ladies that why everyone loves him”!

Kaidan scoff as he took Vega hands off of him “Oh please that not why everyone loves him he’s a war hero hell he could be the biggest jerk in the galaxy and people would still love him”

“That may be true but still you still have to be pretty smooth to be able to sleep with a councilor daughter especially a high ranking Asair at that”

Kaidan cocked his brow at his friend then turn his attention back to his drink. Of course Vega would have a crush on the man why not everyone else seems to be love with him.

Kaidan continued to grumble into his drink until Steve appeared full of excitement and started to grab at his arm.

“Good news Kadian there’s an Asair walking around asking people if they’ll be interest in the Bachelor”

“You mean that T.V show where 14 desperate women go on and do ridiculous task in hopes of becoming hitch with some random loser”

“Yes and that random loser could be you”!

Kaidan stared at Steve with an unamused expression as he quietly slipped his drink. Steve sigh a little as he continued to explain “look Kadian you really need to get out there and expand your horizon you’re too single minded there many people in this galaxy and who knows maybe your find the one, trust me when I say this will be good for you”!

“Why”?

“ _Because_ you’ll be able to interact with many different girls and heck you might just be able to forget about her that shall not be named”

“And what if they don’t pick me”?

“Hey you never know if you don’t try”

Kaidan had to fight his strong urge to tell Steve to go fuck himself but then decided against it as his new target of irritation appear before.

Shepard, well not physically but he was so damn annoyed with everyone praising the bastard. His annoyance grew as he listened to a conversation a couple of girls were having.

“Oh my gawd he so hot”

“What I wouldn’t give to spend a night with him”

“Ahhh any girl would be lucky to end up with a guy like him”

“After all he’s the perfect man”

“ENOUGH”! Kaidan scream startling the women and anyone near the proximity he didn’t care he was just do sick and tired of this Shepard guy, hell he never even met the man and he was already ruining his life.

“Fine I’ll do it” he mumble to himself as he handed Steve his drink and ask him where the Asari was he pointed to her direction and immediately Kaidan made a beeline towards her.

She was in the middle of talking to some women when Kaidan grab the clipboard from her and sign his name and number on it then he immediately proceed to head back to the bar.

“Wait”! The Asair pleaded but a gentle hand on her shoulder stop her she turned around to see a familiar red head.

“Just leave it be” Jane said as she took the clipboard from her friend.

“Kaidan huh’?

“Yeah he just walk over here and sign himself up, I was going to tell him that I was only accepting female participants but he walk away before I could say anything”!

Jane smile as she caught a glimpse of the man he seem interesting not bad looking and had some rugged charm to him.

“You know what I think my brother needs to open his horizon just a bit more put him in the top 14”

“Ummm I think your brother going to kill you”!

Jane just laugh

“Well he’s needs to be taught a lesson a little humiliation will be good for him after all his ego needs to be deflated”

 

 

[ ](http://s3.amazonaws.com/otw-ao3-icons/skins/icons/23700/original.jpg?1407808071)

 

 

 

 

 

“SHEPARD”!!!

Screamed two Asair all for very different reasons, John internally cursed himself; he thought he had 10 more minutes before Tevos came back to her office. Needless to say it didn’t help the situation with his parents being there…….as well as the press.

…………….

Council Meeting- an hour after the ‘incident’

John stood there in awe as Tevos continued to shout at him, never had he seen so much screaming come out of one Asair (no pun intended) that for a second he was worried that she would collapse due to oxygen deficiency. Thankfully he managed to avoid the death penalty Tevos was demanding for because hey he was the bloody savoir of the galaxy the man who single handedly stop the Reaper invasion so yeah he deserve some slack.

However now he was suspended for three months without pay, ah whatever he needed the vacation time anyways.

Unfortunately for him his parents didn’t see things his way.

………..

“Damn it John what the hell were you thinking have sex with the counselor daughter in her office”!

John groaned as he settle himself on his couch he knew he shouldn’t have given his parents a key to his apartment.

“Urg I don’t know why we’re having this discussion everything work out in the end right”?

“That no excuse for a man your age to act like a bloody teenager, you’re a Spector now and you know what that means”

Shepard rolls his eyes at that haft of the time he wish he had never receive the damn title.

“No, enlighten me”

His father gave him a stern glare and look like he was about to beat his ass urg what else was new.

 “It means that you’re an example of what a proper solider should be and that means not screwing every woman that comes your way”!

John groaned into his seat and decided he had enough he wasn’t 15 anymore and he wasn’t going to sit around and be lecture by his parents. So he got up and bolted straight to the door and told them to go fuck themselves.

After the door slam shut Jane came out of the kitchen and gave her parents some whisky. She watched as her mother fell to the couch and slump her head down trying to hide her tears “I don’t know what to do with that boy anymore”.

Jane look at her father who hum in agreement “He turn out to be such a fine solider but other than that he’s a complete mess”.

“Maybe he just needs a little shove in the right direction” Jane mused as her parents look up at her questionably.

This is going to be fun she thought as she stir her drink.

……………

After his blow up with his parents John ended up in Purgatory drinking his problems away. After his fifth or sixth drink he began to hear a familiar voice filled the air so he turn around and smile when he saw it was Joker.

“So how the savior of the galaxy doing”?

“Urg told you not to call me that”

“Whatever heard you bang Tevos daughter and lived to tell the tale”

John just groaned and took a big gulp out of his drink wanting to forget the whole experience. Well thank God for Joker because the next thing that came out of his mouth really threw him off his buzz.

“Hey I was just wondering do you ever think of settling down”.

John paused at that and look at Joker questionably with a little bit of disappoint mix in, here he thought they were kindred spirits who didn’t need anyone to chain them down  then again it could be the alcohol making him think that way.

“No why do you ask”?

Joker gave out a nervous laugh and took a small sip of his drink “I dunno lately there this girl you see umm she different from the others and maybe it would be nice to settle down with her…”

“Now when you mean different form the rest…”

Joker shot him a glare “No John I don’t mean your sister urg going out with her would be like out with you and… AH GAWD Mental Images”!

“Wow thanks Joker really glad to know that you compare me to Jane”

“Hey you two are twins after all”

“Shut up and drink” 

The next morning John woke up with a massive hangover and a pool of women all over his body. What a way to start the day he thought as he carefully got out of the bed careful not to wake any of the sleeping beauties. After he got dress went downstairs and paid for the room and then left for his apartment.

…………….

When he entered his compound he was greeted with the smiling face of his sister.

“Hey there bro I have a surprise for you”

“Is it DNA test proving that you’re not my sister”?

Jane playfully slapped him across the shoulder and gesture for him to sit down on the couch.

John obliged and stared at his sister with suspicion knowing Jane she was up to something.

“Guess who going to be famous”

“I’m already famous crazy”

“Guess who going to be more famous”

“What did you do”?

“I sign you up for the Bachelor”

John practically propelled himself out of his seat as he charge after his sister wanting to strangle her.

Jane laugh as she ran all over the apartment “Oh come on John don’t you think it’s perfect you’ll have a whole bunch of woman at your disposable willing to do anything for you”

“Yeah and I bet that you’re the one who choose them, they probably all insane or have herpes”

Jane skillfully dodged a punch from her brother as she ran into the guess room to pull out photos of the contestants.

John stop in his tracks as he examine the photos the first one was a picture of an Asari, Liara was her name and she was gorgeous! The next one was a human name Ashely and John couldn’t help but think there was something special about her.

Jane smile grew wider as she saw her brother hum in approval on almost all the contestants. Of course though she made sure to hide Kaidan picture no way was she ruining her big bro surprise.

“So be sure to pack your bags filming starts next week”

“What makes you think I’m going”?

“Fine then” Jane said as she walk over to her brother and took away the photos “I’ll let some other nan enjoy these women”

‘W…Wait okay geez you win”

“Always do”

…………..

“So what up why did you put him on the bachelor”? Joker said as he watched John pack his duffle bag.

Jane smiled as she whisper back to him “Oh just to teach him a lesson most of the women I pick are actually intelligent so he going to have to work hard for their attention and I guess I’m just tired of the way he treats every girl like an object you know, besides it going to be so much fun see him make an ass on himself on national television”

“I see so what happens if he fall in love with one of these contestant’

“Well then maybe he can finally clam the hell down and stop with all his crazy antics and who knows from he can get married and be normal for once”.

“I don’t think this plan going to work”

“Ah either way it’s a win win situation for me”

“Your evil you know that”

Jane just shrugged and walk away.

 

 

 


	2. “The first meeting with anybody is on your best behavior. It’s only after you get to know them that you figure it out”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!  
> Yay finally an update and now before you begin reading please note that the interviews I have below are all images and to get them onto to the story I had to shrink them a bit so you may a little hard to read. So I suggest you zoom into them a bit (Crtl +) will do the trick for you. 
> 
> Anyways enjoy the story :D

_10 women from all parts of the galaxy will embark on a life changing opportunity, to try and win the heart of one very eligible bachelor._

_But this isn’t just any regular bachelor this season our contestants will be completing over a shot at love with…_

_Commander Shepard_

_Hero of the galaxy, the man who single handily took down the Reapers and brought peace back to the universe._

_One could wonder what more does this man need? He has the title, fame and glory but at last even the greatest of hero’s needs a companion, one to stay by his side as he embraces the next stage of his life._

_So we ask him one simple question: “What is it that you look for in a mate Shepard”?_

_Here what he had to say:_

 

__

 

....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

One, two, three

Breath in breath out

Kaidan kept repeating to himself as the limo drove him closer to his impending doom. He was having regrets about signing himself up for this stupid show. Never in his wildness dreams did he think the producers would actually choose him to become the new bachelor. He wanted to refuse the offer but Vegan and Steve were with him at the time and would have kicked his ass if he had refused.

Still he couldn’t put his finger on it, why would they choose him? He was boring and plain the only exciting thing about him is his biotics rival that of any Asari…kind of.

Hm maybe it was a trap then, the whole thing could be some elaborated scheme or…

A loud shout interrupted him from his thoughts causing the brunette to almost fall out of his seat.

“We’re here Mr. Alenko”!

“Um thanks” Kaidan quickly said as he escape from the vehicle before the man could give him another heart attack… _and_ speaking of leaving him breathless Kaidan stare in awe as the most beautiful woman he ever lay eyes on approach him.

Her eyes sparkle like emeralds, her skin was like ivory and those lips were just so full and plump that he had to restrain himself from kissing her right then and there. _But_ what made it all complete were those freckles gosh he could spend all day just counting them.

“Kaidan I’ve been expecting you, so nice to finally meet you”

Kaidan almost lost it as the goddess extended her hand for him to shake; it was a shame that she wasn’t a contestant. “Same here but I feel a bit funny that you know my name but I don’t know yours”

“Oh you’re right where my manners the name’s Jane, but enough with the pleasantries I need you to follow me to the garden”

“Whatever you say my dear”

……………….

As Jane led him to the garden Kaidan couldn’t help but steal quick glances at her. However it was weird as beautiful as she was he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that he she seem oddly familiar, maybe she was a model or something? 

“Like what you see”?

“UH”!?

“Don’t worry Kaidan you’re not the first to go into awe at the present of such fine beauty”

 _Oh shit she knows!_ “Jane wait I can explain…”

“No need to, you know I sometimes spend hours on end just looking and exploring every inch and sometimes I bring my friends along to see they always get a kick out of it”!

“Um…you bring your friends along”?

“Yeah why wouldn’t I? A mansion such as this needs to be appreciated I mean just look at that marble”!

“OH! Yes I guess so”…. _note-to-self spend more time listening then staring._

_…………….._

“We’re here”!

Kaidan was blown away at the scenery never had he seen so many flowers before. On closer inspection he could see that there were many different species of plants from various planets but what really blew it all away was the gigantic maze in the middle of the garden.

“No need to be timid Kaidan just followed the yellow brick road to the other end of the maze”.

Kaidan crooked a brow at her “Really a fairy tale reference”.

“Hey don’t ask me, the producers are the one in charge of this shin dig” She lied smoothly knowing full well that the maze was supposed to be the first challenge where base on the contestants skills and intelligence would decide the order in which they would meet John, but since she was saving Kaidan for last might as well speed up the process by giving him a hint or two. Hell the producers didn’t mind as long as it brought up ratings.

Kaidan smile and gave her a heartfelt farewell making her feel bad about what was going to happen to him.

Well almost…

………….

Kaidan started to walk down the yellow pathway taking noticed of the colour dissipating as he descanted further into the maze. Kaidan couldn’t help but get a weird feeling that something wasn’t right but maybe that was him just thinking too much.

Just as he reached the exit a gust of flowers fill the air and cutting off any visibility he once had, did the producers really need to make everything so dramatic?

Kaidan tried to navigate through the stream of pinks and violets before giving up and just waiting for the gimmick to dissipate. He let out a sigh of relief as soon as he saw the air becoming clear again.

However what he didn’t expect was there to be a figure on the other side, he squinted and became confuse it look like Jane expect taller and more bulky.

As the last of the flowers finally blew away and now having a clear view of the stranger the biotic could only think of one thing…

 “Fuck My Life”!

[ ](http://s3.amazonaws.com/otw-ao3-icons/skins/icons/23700/original.jpg?1407808071)

John’s patient was drawing to the end as he was getting sick of waiting for the contestants to arrive. He looked at the maze in front of him and internal curse the producers for thinking up such an idiotic challenge. Makes the girls go through a friggen maze just to be the first one to meet me urg the producers must all be virgins.

He checked his watch and found that 15 minutes had passed “Urg Come On Already”!

“Sorry to keep you waiting Commander”

“Yeah well you should…”

John sentence was lost as his eyes finally met the sight of the first contestant. An asair but one not like any other out of all the asairs he had seen and been with she was something else.

She smile sweetly at him as she took carful and small steps towards him, the closer she got the more obvious it was to tell she was blushing. John had never seen a blushing asair before and had to admit that the spray of purple around her cheeks just highlighted her beauty.

“Hello my name is Liara…Liara T’Soni it is an honor to meet you”.

John shook himself out of his thoughts and gave her one of his award winning smile “Believe when I say the honor all mine Liara”. John extended his hand out to Liara and enjoyed the fact that her blush grew bigger as she shook his hand, she then made her way to back to the mansion.

“I am so going to wreck that” John though as he watch the blue skin alien leave.

………….

“Greeting Commander Shepard”

With the presents of a new voice John turn his head to see…an android?

“Um…hi there”?

The metallic woman gave him a smile as she outstretch her hand towards him “Please call me EDI, it is a pleasure to meet you commander”.

“EDI was it?  I’m surprise to see they let an AI be on this show especially since you belong to the military”

The robot went silent for a minute no doubt thinking of a respond to his question. “Although it is true that I’m an AI I was given permission to be on this show as a way to study and learn more about the organic condition”

“You wanted to learn about love”?

“Indeed and I figure with all your experience you would be the best teacher for that”

“Well then it was a pleasure meeting you… I guess”

EDI release her grip from him hand and began to head back to the mansion. Leaving John to wonder how his sister got clearance to allow such a dangerous weapon to be on this show. Mental note to self-keep an eye on her but then again at least she’s hot but definably not bangable… for now.

As lewd thoughts fill the commander mind about the AI he almost failed to notice the large beam of energy heading towards him.

“WHOA”!

He crashed to the ground and heard an explosion he look up to see a giant hole in the back of the mansion, thankfully nobody was there.

He turned his head back to the front to see a large hole in the side of the maze and appearing out of it was a very heavily tattoo woman.

“Where the hell did Jane find these girls”? He thought to himself as he stood up.

“Oops must have overdid a bit”

In the background John could hear the voices of the other contestants screaming at her but he decided to ignore them hoping to get this introduction over with as quickly as possible.

“Hi there I’m John the new bachelor for this season nice to meet you”

The brunette cock her eyebrow “Wow really no way I total wouldn’t have known that, you know since I’m a contestant and your name is in the figgin title”

“Tsk no need to get bitchy at me you pyromaniac”

“Aw what’s wrong don’t like a woman with a little spice to her”

“Tsk as if but seeing as how impatient and impulsive you are I rather settle for boring then dead”

“Then you must be a bore in bed, bet ya haft of those rumors aren’t even true”

“Well if this is how you act in bed then I hope all your men brought rope so they could tie you up and gag you so you can’t run that damn mouth of yours you psychotic bitch”!

Suddenly the biotic came racing towards him, sensing an attack John prepare himself for battle however instead of being met with a fist he was attack with a pair of lips and a harsh grab on his junk.

“Ngh”!?

Minutes later he was release form the erotic embrace as he look at the woman with curious eyes.

“The name’s Jack, you better remember it”

As she made her way to the house she turn back one final time “Oh and by the way I like a man with kinks”

John almost fell to his knees at the whole situation “Holy SHIT I’m getting laid tonight”!

……………….

The next two greeting after that were tame in comparison some chick name Brooks came up to him and tried to introduce herself but kept shuttering and he practically had to hold on to her in fear that she would faint. After that little adventure came Diana…the news reporter and dear Gawd did the woman know how to talk she kept trying to grill him on every aspect of his life, for a second he contemplated about punching her and running away. Thankfully the host Garus came by and ‘escorted’ her to the mansion.

John gave out a long and hard sigh as he was so done.

“Having a bad day Shepard”?

John jaw almost dropped as he stared at the beauty emerging from the greenery but remembering he was on camera he quickly pulled himself together.

“Well not anymore since you’re here”

“Charmed, the name’s Miranda”

John could feel the goose bumps all over him as he tried not to stare too hard at the woman in front of him. God she was perfect, everything he wanted in a woman and more.

Sensing his lust for her the brunette smile and give him a little wink before heading to the mansion, she always like to keep her men wanting more from her.

John couldn’t help but smile as he watched the beauty leave; it was funny even though they hardly had said anything to each other he felt the connection between them…also that ass was plump!

………….

Garus look at the sheet he was holding and finishing crossing out the last of the names “Well that it we should do a…”

“What’s wrong Garus”?

“Oh silly me there’s seem to be one more contestant left”

“Huh that can’t be we already went through 10 of them”

“Well that what Jane says”

John responded with a tired groan but at least it was the last contestant so no point fussing about it.

Suddenly flowers began to appear out of nowhere blocking his view of everything “What the hell is going on”? He shouted as he tried to look towards Garus for answers but failed as there were so many freckin flowers in the way.

Eventually everything died down leading him face to face with the final contestant.

**“JANE”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Garus sensing where this was going turn to the camera man “Quickly cut to the confessions”!

...............................................................................................................................................

"How did you think your first meeting with the bachelor went"? 

 

 

 

...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

 “Of course” Kaidan though as he stood outside of the mansion alongside with the camera crew and the other contestants. Kaidan bow his head in shame as he could hear the whispers and giggles coming from behind him. He knew he shouldn’t have left the apartment this was a sign that he was destined to be forever alone. Even worse now the whole universe was going to see his humiliation…Oh NO! What if Ranha saw this then…then that would be the end of him! Kaidan internally groaned in agony as he debated on how to fix his situation. Maybe he could bribe one of the camera crew to erase the footage or something. As he was panicking he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see that it was the host; Garus “I know that it may look bad now but be grateful at least you’re not the end of Shepard wrath”

Kaidan was confused for a moment until he heard a loud crashing noise followed by a string of swears coming from inside the mansion. “Yeah…I guess your right”.

……….

“Jane You Bitch”!

Jane smile amusedly as her brother slam her into the wall screaming at her with a colorful rainbow of swears. She just giggle causing John to get more pissed he was about to punch her when she push him away.

“Clam down little bro, I don’t see what the problem is”?

John stared at her and wondered for a second if his sister was seriously stupid or just plain sadistic.

“Jane you put a man as a contestant for me now everyone in the friggin galaxy is going to think I like dick”!

“Oh please your standards are so low that you’ll bang anything I don’t see what anatomy has to do with it frankly I’m surprise you haven’t slept Joker is yet”.

“Jane” John growl causing her to roll her eyes “Alright take it easy it’s just a joke beside you need to come down from your high horse. One we’re not live so I’ll have the producers edit him out and two you’re just going to boot him off anyways”.

“I suppose”

“See its settle now, let go back outside and get this over with”.

“You’re still a bitch you know”

“Yeah, yeah love you to bro”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy Cripes this took a while (mainly due to the drawings) but anyways it up now and please excuse all the anatomy  
> mistakes I made as well as the lack of movement. (otherwise this would of taken me forever)
> 
> Funny thing is these interviews weren't even suppose to be drawn but after see this: http://thcrsthry.tumblr.com/tagged/snkdocu  
> I knew that I had to drawn them!
> 
> Also has anyone else noticed this that beside from all the aliens and Kelly? All the love interest in Mass Effect are brunette so now it's my official head canon that Shep has a things for brunettes ;) 
> 
> Anyway feel free to comment and give feedback and thank you for waiting so long for this chapter and most likely be prepare for a long wait for the next one.
> 
> Thanks for Reading :)


	3. “Is wasteful to invest your time with someone that may be gone soon”?

After that _interesting_ turn of events Garus decided to lighten the mood by having the girls move into the living room and start talking about themselves.

“Alright who wants to go first”?

There was silence for a moment but it was Jack that started the conversation “Sooo they let a sex bot be on the show”?

Garus was so taken back by the comment that he didn’t even know what to say but thankfully EDI did.

“I am not a sex bot my primary function is to serve as warfare defense for any Alliance ship that I am assign too, hence my name Enhance Defense Intelligence but I prefer to be call EDI ” 

Jack cocked her brow as she lean back against the couch, making herself more comfortable in the process “So then why are you here? Last time I check a robot can’t fall in love”

EDI was about to respond but Sam answer for her “Aw come on, you don’t have to be so mean beside she not a robot she’s an AI”!

Jack crossed her arms and cock a brow at Sam “Which means”?

Sam took a fast glance at EDI then back to Jack “Which means is she vastly more superior to any regular robot and is capable of creating her own emotions, so who are we to tell her that she can’t love”?

 “Besides look at her she so lovely that any guy would be crazy to not fall for her”!

Jack took a moment to take in Sam statement before replying. “So they also brought a lesbian onto this show”?

“I AM NOT A LESBIAN, I just happen to like sophisticate technology that’s all”!

“Whatever helps you sleep at night”

Seeing where this was going Garus quickly intervene and decided to pick someone else “Um Diana why don’t you lead us off it says here on your profile that you’re a reporter”!

Diana smiled as she puff up her chest and place both hands are her sides “Well I don’t want to boost but I’m not just any regular report, I’m the lead reporter for the Citadel Prime magazine,  I came on this show with one purpose in mind to undercover the true face of the galaxy’s’ biggest hero” 

Garus smile at her straight forward answer and decide to pick another contestant however before he could Miranda interjected.

“Wait you work for Citadel Prime isn’t that just a gossip magazine which posts nothing but lies and rumors about celebrities”?

“Um no how dare you tarnish my company name I have you know…”!

However before Diana could continue Kelly decided to join the conversation as well adding in her two cents in.

“Now that you mention it, they are notorious for doing crazy things in order to get information or pictures of celebrities; I heard this one reporter hid in a famous Quarian singer suite for three days secretly taking pictures in hopes that she would be able to get a shot of his real face”

“What that not…”!

“Hey isn’t this you”?

This time it was Sam who join in the conversation, after hearing about the story she deiced to do a fast search on her omni-tool and discover a news article with Diana picture on it. She flipped the image so everybody could see.

Diana could feel the sweat dripping down her skin as she saw her mug shot even worse was the caption above it.

**_Citadel Prime Reporter Arrest for Breaking and Entering_ **

“Umm HEY enough about me lets go to someone else”!

Garus nodded and quickly before anyone could object he shouted out the first name he could think of “Liara your up next no need to be shy just tell us about yourself, just make it quick and simple”!

Liara was taken a bit back by the host forwardness but decide to take a moment to calm herself before standing up and official introducing herself to everyone “Hello my name is Liara T’Soni and I am an archeologist I’ve come on this show because…”

Liara stop her sentence midway and frown when she saw the woman across from her scoff and roll her eyes.

“Your name is Jack correct”

“Yeah and what’s it to you”? She said as she pick up her drink and swirl the liquid inside the glass before taking a sip.

“Well I couldn’t help but noticed your reaction when I said that I was an archeologist”

Jack let out a little laugh causing Miranda who was sitting next to her to rub her temples and mutter something that sounded like “Here we go” under her breathe.

It was obvious to everyone that the Asarin was mad seeing how she turned from blue to purple in an instant “What’s so funny”?

Jack smile grew wider “Oh nothing it just that really you’re a scientist I find that hard to believe”

Liara gritted her teeth as she further interrogate Jack “What’s that’s supposed to mean? My species is a proud race known for their intelligence, diplomacy and biotic capabilities”

Jack took a moment to stare into Liara eyes before breaking out with laughter “Pfft yeah I guess your race is supposed to be known for all that but from I’ve seen, your species has more of a talent for pleasuring than scholar work”

In that moment everybody went silent Garus gulped as felt the tension in the room grow with each passing second.

“Are you accusing my race of being promiscuous”?

Jack let out a laugh and wipe a tear from her eye “Look all I see from the Asarin are a bunch of strippers and whores, hell even the one who in charge of Omega is an Asari”!  

“Take that back, who do you think you are judging an entire race”! Liara said as her rage took over releasing her biotic energy in the process.

Jack chuckle as she down her drink, got up from her seat, and began showing the alien her own glowing body in the process “Okay you want to fight that fine but believe me when I say you’re only going to get your ass kick… _hard_ ”

 Liara smiled “Please like I would ever lose to a human”

“Alright suit yourself”

Garus literally couldn’t believe what he was seeing how did a simple introduction turn into a fight to the death? However he knew that there was no time to waste and immediately tried to get in-between the women before blood could be spill.

However someone beat him to the punch.

Before the first biotic blast could be dealt Shepard suddenly enter into the room; although, not though the door but from above. Screams echo throughout the room as the galactic hero crash from the ceiling and onto the coffee table.

 

Jane came rushing into the room after hearing the crash and saw that brother was lying on the coffee table she instantly look up  and found a very noticeable hole in her ceiling  and looking down from it was a very nervous Kaidan.

......................................

30 minutes prior

“One two three, breath in _and_ breath out” Kaidan kept repeating to himself as he made his way into the mansion. He was the first to head back after the siblings came out and not wanting to make the situation any more awkward he ran back inside and headed straight for the kitchen.

Ah yes the glorious kitchen for there he would surely find some sort of alcoholic beverage to not only quench his thirst but make him so drunk that he would past out and have no recollection of any events prior to this day.

With that lovely thought he could feel his heart beginning to beat faster as he open the fridge but much to his surprise there wasn’t anything. “Alright no need to worry maybe there some store in the cupboards”! With his new found sense of optimism he opened the cupboard and just like the fridge there was nothing.

Kadian thought he must have missed it because this was a reality T.V. show so there had to be some sort of alcohol after all who wants to watch a bunch of sober people doing normal everyday things.

So Kaidan decided to check and check….and check again but nope there was nothing nada not even wine in the kitchen.

“WHERE THE HELL IS ALL THE ALCOHOL”!?

…………………….

Even though he was piss for what Jane had done to him he couldn’t help but feel sorry for the other guy. After all it wasn’t like he knew he was going to be part of some cruel prank.

So after talking with Garus he found out that Kaidan was upstairs and Shepard figured he would give the poor sap a drink before sending him off. He entered into the contestants’ room and saw no one but he did notice that the balcony door was open and figure that where the man would be hiding.

As he walks through the door he noticed Kadian had his back facing towards him and was just starting off into the distance blissful unaware of anything. It was at that moment a wicked idea form in Shepard mind, carefully and quietly he walk towards the man, making his way closer and closer until he was just close enough to put the end of the icy beer onto the raven hair man ivory nape.

Kadian of course freak out and it was a funny sight his arms were wailing and he could see goosebumps all over his body but the best part was the scream. John would have never guess that the man could scream so loud. However the best part about the whole situation was how Kadian try to play it off and act like it didn’t bother him. 

 

……………….

“So why did you enter into this show? No offense but you don’t look like the fame seeking type”

Kaidan groan as he took another sip from his beer he just wanted the man to leave and not harass him on his poor decision making skills. However Shepard was a stubborn man and wasn’t going to let the silent treatment denied him of an answer.

 “Well I’m waiting you know it’s rude to ignore someone who just ask you a question”

Kaidan could feel his eye twitch as the urge to tell the man to fuck off rose however he gave in after all he was nice enough to bring him some alcohol and maybe he wasn’t as bad as he imagine.

“I came here to forget about my ex”

“That’s it”

“Yep”

After that the two men drank in silence but only for a moment apparently Shepard wasn’t done speaking. 

“You know you didn’t finish your story, how did you two break up anyways”?

“None of your fucking business”

“Fine then if you won’t tell me then I’ll guess, hm seeing as how she was important to you I say you two have been in a relationship for a long time”

Kaidan scoff as he took another sip of his drink his eyes still starting into the scenery “Wow both _brains_ and brawns”

Shepard smile and continued on with his theory “ So I’m guessing then afterwards since you two been together for so long you decide to pop the question, she rejects you and you ask why and she tells you that you’re not what she’s looking for in a relationship anymore”

Kaidan spit out his drink and turn to face the man “How the hell did you figure that out”?!

Shepard just glance at Kaidan for a moment before erupting into full on laughter “Holy shit are you serious I was just spurting out bullshit but this is too funny damn man you’re a loser”!

Kaidan now furious slam his fist down onto the marble rail and dig his nails into his palm trying not to let his temper get to him. “How can you say something like that you don’t even know me”!

Shepard shrugs as he took another sip of his drink “Your right I don’t know you but I can tell you where your relationship when wrong, the two of you had a lack of communication”

Kaidan angry soon turn to amusement really he couldn’t believe he was getting love advice from the biggest playboy in the galaxy “Wow didn’t pin you for an expert in love guess deep down your really are a romantic”

Kaidan turn to the man thinking he would be laughing too but was surprise to see the expression on Shepard face, his cheerfulness was gone and replace with a look of solemn.  

“You’re right I’m not a romantic just a realist love isn’t some fairy tale that people make it out to be. It takes hard work, commitment and communication from both sides for the relationship to work. If not then the whole thing crumbles and honestly for me that’s too much work”

Kaidan was speechless never would he imagine that Shepard could be so profound however there was something that was bothering him “So if you feel like love is too much work then why haven’t you left the show is yet”?

Shepard frown disappeared and his smile return “To mess with Jane, my sister for some reason thinks that this whole experience will be an eye opener for me, but in reality I’ll just play along until the last moment and walk out”

Kaidan didn’t know whether to be impressed or scared the man could hold a grudge for so long. “Don’t you think that’s a little heartless, even if this was your sister idea those girls do seem like they want to be with you”

Shepard scoff as he took another sip of his beer “They were hand pick by Jane I’m pretty sure that most of them are insane beside if I can get some action out of them then why not”

Kaidan couldn’t believe what he was hearing sure he had picture Shepard to be an asshole but this was going too far!

“Didn’t think you would be so cruel guess fighting all those reapers made you lose touch with your humanity”

After that comment there was nothing but silence Kadian was surprise to see that Shepard had no witty comeback prepare for him. All the man did was finished his drink turned around and walk towards the exit however as he did, Kaidan could heard Shepard whispering something to himself.

_“You would too if the person you love the most died because of you”_

 “What was that”?

Shepard stop his strive and turn around “I said be sure not to get caught”

 “Get caught”? 

Shepard flash him a smile “Yeah chicks don’t like guys would don’t know when to give up and it would really bad on you if you got caught stalking”

It took Kaidan a minute to figure out what Shepard was insinuation and the next thing he knew he had his biotic activated, a fist full of Shepard shirt and a newly form hole in the ground…Shit he lost control and with his biotics he threw Shepard against the ground causing him to crash into the living room.  

He look down and saw the man hand landed on the coffee table, there were mixes emotions of surprise and fear but the strongest emotion was radiating off of Shepard as he look up towards the ceiling giving Kaidan the biggest glare he could imagine.

 “I am so dead”

...................................................

Present time

“I’m going to fucking kill him”!

John was pissed off he only wanted to mess with the guy a bit, where did the bastard get off acting so high and mighty about love when in reality he going even maintain his own dam relationship!

However what hurt John the most was his ego he let down his guard and got humiliated because of it. He didn’t think Kaidan could be so strong or… a biotic. Seriously how many psycho biotics did Jane get on this show?!

Jane let out an irritated groan as she walked towards her brother grabbing onto his arm and forceful dragging him with her. It didn’t take a genius to know where this was heading “No John you are not going to cause anymore damages to my house”!  

Knowing John was going to give her lip she dig her manicure finger nails deep into his wounded flesh causing him to groaned deeply.

“Stop acting childish besides now I have to tend to your wounds, Jeez it just like when we were kids”

“All this happen because of you bitch”!

…………

After the two siblings were gone from sights the girls began talking.

“Oh wow this just keeps getting better and better” Miranda commented as she walked over to Tali. “Yeah well on the plus side looks like we’re all safe, I mean there no way any of us are getting eliminated tonight”

“That’s good to hear at least now we can have one night to relax, I was worried that I made no impression on him at all and would be up for elimination” Maya said as she carefully walked across the shatter wood and glass.

“Yeah we can literal do anything now”! Jack cheered causing some of the girls to flash a worry expression. Jack seeing their concerned roll her eyes and gave herself a good stretch before heading upstairs “Don’t worry you pansies I’m not going to be doing anything tonight beside I’m tired and I want to sleep I call dibs on the biggest bed”

“She’s right we all had an exciting day let’s go to bed” Kelly said with a yawn in her voice. The other girl nodded in agreement and headed upstairs.

However there was one that stayed behind Jack words were still lingering in her mind.

“We can do anything and not get eliminated”

…………….

Shepard quickly slam the door on his sister face he didn’t give a damn about any elimination ceremony he was too tired, pissed, and in pain. All he wanted to do was sleep for now and deal with his problems in the morning. He flopped onto his bed and as soon as his skull met the pillow he was instantly asleep. In fact so deep that he couldn’t hear or feel anything that came his way.

………….

Slowly John began to regain consciences as a loud buzzing woke him up, in face he could feel something gliding across his head tickling his skin in the process. Quickly he got up and grab the assailant by it hand and commanded the lights to turn on so he could see the perpetrator face.

“What the fuck are you doing”!?

“Oops”

……………

Rose ceremony

Garus yawn as he struggled to stay awake for the camera because unlike other rose ceremonies done on the Bachelor, this one was being held at 3 o’clock in the morning with everyone in their pajamas barely awake to even registrar what was going on. However what did wake everyone up was the sight of a very bald and very mad Shepard.    

“Okay let’s just get this out of the way everybody’s stays expect for this crazy bitch now good night”!  
……………..

……………………

Meanwhile

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is chapter 3 didn't intended for this one to take so long but writer block got to me.
> 
> Anyways can't say when chapter 4 will be posted but I do have a understanding in where the story is going and how many chapters it will spawn.
> 
> As always thank you for your patient and please leave a comment.
> 
> Thank you :D

**Author's Note:**

> Just a head's up these chapters will take a long time to update since I plan on drawing art to go with each chapter and it probably going to take me a while to figure out how to adjust a picture on A03 so yeah I would appreciate if anyone has any tips on that.
> 
> Like always feel free to comment and please tell me what you think.
> 
> Until next time...


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